Mental Load
When Silence Speaks Louder Than Words
It starts as a whisper. Or more precisely, the empty space where once there was laughter.
A man on a Reddit thread recently shared something heartbreakingly common and deeply human. He wrote, “My wife just stopped talking to me. I don’t know when it started, but now it’s just silence.” No blowup. No dramatic exit. Just the slow, soul-bruising fade from connection to absence. He still sees her in the house. She still cooks, still takes care of the kids, still shows up. But emotionally? He’s a ghost.
She says, simply: “I’m just tired.” But this tired has lasted months.
And if you read through the Reddit comments, the people of the internet got real. One woman wrote:
“She’s burned out. She sees you as another chore.
Don’t be a child—pull your weight.”
And just like that, the crowd roared with upvotes and agreement.
The Invisible Work of Women
There’s a term that’s been circulating for a few years now, but it hasn’t lost an ounce of relevance. It’s called “The Mental Load.” This isn’t just about chores. It’s the psychological burden of managing an entire household, keeping track of schedules, planning meals, making sure the toothpaste never runs out, remembering birthdays, answering questions like “Where are my socks?” and “What’s for dinner?” every day of one’s adult life. And the wild part? So much of it goes unseen, unacknowledged, and unshared.
I made a short film years ago called “Mother Lode.” Based on audio cassettes I found in my mom’s drawer after she passed away, I used AI illustrations to capture my mother, Magi, and her best friend Phyllis sitting across from each other at a cafe’ table, reflecting on decades of unpaid, unrecognized labor. They were both born in an era when women were expected to carry the full weight of the domestic sphere: homemaker, mother, cook, nurse, teacher, therapist, chief bottle washer. These roles weren’t optional; they were assumed. And God forbid you wanted a career of your own.
What makes “Mother Lode” so compelling is its quiet power. Just two women, trading stories about burnout, motherhood, marriages, and moments of personal rebellion. I encourage anyone interested in truly understanding the mental load to watch it. Because “Mental Load” has been handed down for generations.
When Silence is a Siren
The Reddit husband pleads:
“I don’t cheat. I don’t lie. I work hard. I try. But I feel like I’m losing her and I don’t even know why.”
The answer may be simpler, and more painful, than he thinks. He may not be lying, cheating, or abusive. But he may be absent from the labor of love, of life, and of household. And presence isn’t just physical. It is mental, emotional, and spiritual. When your partner is drowning in exhaustion, asking, “Are you okay?” may not be enough. You have to jump in, do the dishes, the laundry, the school drop-offs, the doctor appointments. Not as a favor. Not to win points. But because you live here too.
Women don’t fall silent overnight. It happens slowly, when asking for help becomes fruitless. When she’s explained how to load the dishwasher correctly for the twelfth time and realizes it’s just easier to do it herself. When every birthday card, vacation plan, and dentist appointment relies on her to orchestrate. When she’s operating on fumes, and her partner says, “But you didn’t ask me to help.”
Silence, in this context, is not passive. It is self-preservation.
My Own Love Story: How We Shifted the Load
When Mark and I first got together as twenty-somethings, we had a natural but unspoken division of labor. I handled the house: the cooking, the grocery shopping, the cleaning. He took care of everything outside the walls: the yardwork, the car maintenance, the heavy lifting and handyman duties. It worked, more or less.
Over the years, though, something shifted. We started to check in more. As we grew together—not just older, but wiser—he began picking up more domestic duties. These days, Mark does most of the grocery shopping and cooking. And let me tell you, he’s great at it. He doesn’t need a list, and he’s become a creative force in the kitchen.
And yes, since the Reddit thread touched on this: it is sexy when a man sees what needs doing and just does it. Not only does it make me feel seen and supported, but it lights a fire. Many women in the Reddit comments echoed this sentiment. When the mental load is shared, emotional intimacy improves, and sexual intimacy often follows. There’s something undeniably attractive about a man who knows how to fold a fitted sheet, make a killer stir-fry, and do both without being asked.
The best kind of foreplay might just be a clean kitchen.
We’re Childfree—But Many Aren’t
Mark and I made a conscious decision to remain childfree. It’s a choice that has afforded us time, flexibility, and bandwidth that many couples with children simply don’t have. I bring this up not to gloat, but to acknowledge a crucial truth: the mental load multiplies with every child. Parents are managing not just their own lives, but the lives of small, dependent humans who need constant supervision, care, and emotional regulation. The bedtime routines, the school projects, the permission slips, the endless snacks and meltdowns—it all adds up.
For those carrying the mental load while also parenting, the strain can be nearly unbearable. So if your partner seems tired to the bone, ask yourself: Am I truly sharing the load, or just showing up when it’s convenient?
Has This Happened to You?
Have you ever sat at the dinner table with someone you love and felt like a stranger? Have you drifted into different time zones, not because of travel, but because of unshared burdens and growing resentment?
Let’s talk about it.
Not with blame. But with curiosity. And maybe some humility.
And to the men (and women) reading this who’ve been the silent partner while someone else carries the mental load: it’s not too late. Start today. Fold the laundry. Plan a meal. Take the car in for an oil change without being asked. Notice. Anticipate. And for heaven’s sake, talk to each other.
Marriage isn’t a fairytale. It is a partnership. And when one partner is operating on empty, the whole vehicle breaks down.
If you want to understand the weight of the mental load, see “Mother Lode.”
Also check out this cartoonist’s rendition of “Mental Load.”
If you want to reconnect with your partner, lighten it.
And if you’re the one going silent? I see you. I hear you. You are not alone.
The man on Reddit promised the chat chain that he would do better going forward, as his eyes had now been opened.
Let’s keep the conversation going.
Patty Mooney
Editor | Filmmaker | Vice President of Crystal Pyramid Productions